Wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’
Plannin’ and dreamin’ her kisses will start
won’t get you into her heart…
Let’s face it, ladies, being bi in Swingland isn’t always as easy as it sounds…or is it? As beings that naturally over-think and complicate, well, just about anything, it’s no surprise that girl/girl courting could end up twice as arduous. But in my experience, it doesn’t have to be as grueling as we make it.
I knew I fancied women at a young age. I fumbled through my teenage years expending friends because they “made it weird” after we hooked up. I’ve been the unicorn, the serious girlfriend, the 3rd in poly triads, the unicorn hunting couple and the lone kitten on the prowl for a succulent mouse. As I’ve gotten older, pursuing women has gotten easier. Here are my recommendations on how to triumphantly maneuver through girl-on-girl dating.
As women, we’ve been taught to let men pursue us. So when we start engaging with other women, we are held back by this mentality, and nobody makes the first move! Get comfortable being uncomfortable. You have to take risks to get rewards. The truth is, there is a good chance she’s as nervous as you are, but if you wait for her to come to you, you may be waiting forever. It is okay to be forward and tell her you’re interested. And even if you’re just interested in a sexual relationship, it helps to get to know someone to really discover if there’s a connection. So ask her on an actual date. Hiding your interest or enthusiasm will most often lead to nothing. The worst thing that will happen is you will find out that she’s not interested, and that’s better than wasting time pining over someone from a distance. The more you do it, the easier it will get.
Have you ever heard the story of the child who cuddled the puppy to death? It was so adorable that he squeezed tighter and tighter only to realize he smothered the poor thing in his arms. I think a common blunder women make is suffocating potential partners. You really have to find the balance between “not too tight, not too loose.” It’s good to be excited but refrain from constant messaging or calling. A little mystery can be incredibly sexy. Don’t play all your cards immediately. If you do reach out and don’t hear back, it may not be personal. I know it’s really easy for me to overlook messages or forget to respond. Give it some space and reach out again. If you don’t hear back that may be a genuine sign she’s not interested. Be clear and concise in your communications. I find receiving a message that says “hey” to be a real turn off, and I know numerous other women that feel the same way.
First, be honest with yourself. What are you interested in? What are you looking to pursue with this person? Then be honest and communicate those desires to her. Are you simply looking for an occasional play partner? Are you a couple looking for a third? Are you poly and interested in pursuing relationships without your S/O? Give her the information she needs to make an informed decision about whether it’s a situation that will work for her too. If you are a couple, don’t make her feel like a sexual object. Even magical creatures deserve respect. And unless you’re all in a closed egalitarian triad, never hold double standards about her seeing other people as well. There’s no wrong way to participate in relationships (even the strictly sexual ones) as long as it’s done ethically and with integrity. The trick is finding people that are in alignment with what everyone involved desires. And to do that, you have to be honest with yourself, your partner, and your potential playmates.
Let your bodies do the talking
How do you know the difference between a woman who is just being friendly and a woman who is hitting on you? The belief is that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and 7% is the actual words spoken (which is why flirting in text can be a challenge). What are your bodies saying? Subtle hints can let them know you’re not just being friendly or vice versa. Signs a woman likes you are she’s playing with her hair or touching her neck. She’s smiling and her eyebrows are raised. Often times her pupils will be dilated. We also play with our lips by biting them, licking them or pursing. Pay attention to whether she is facing you or her hips are turning away. Women tend to either be centered or twist into you if they are interested. Learn to tune into these subtle cues.
Confidence is key! It is the number one most attractive quality a person can have. If you don’t like you, other people will pick up on that and potentially be less attracted to you. Many people lack confidence, so the sensual aura you’ll emit when you learn to own your sexuality will be intoxicating to potential lovers. I have taken lovers whom I wasn’t initially physically attracted to, but whose confidence drew me in.
Be the date you want to be on
Think about how you want to be treated on a date. Pick out a sexy restaurant with good lighting. I like going somewhere that’s a little more fun whether it’s Mediterranean tapas or a bar that specializes in prohibition cocktails. Having something to talk about will make it easier for both of you. If you asked her out, put on the pants and offer suggestions. Don’t get stuck in the lady cycle of “I don’t know, what do you want to eat?” Cause we both know that will just go on forever. Put your phone away when you’re on a date. A woman wants to feel that for the time you’re together she’s your priority. Keep the dialogue going by asking questions about her life and her interests. If I’ve learned anything in my 14 years as a hair stylist, it’s that most women love to talk about themselves. Compliment her. Let her know you find her beautiful, sexy, funny, or whatever it is that catches your attention. Also, remember that she said yes! This means she likes you. So try to relax and have a good time. Keep this in mind if you invite her over for a play night with you or with you and your S/O. When you get nervous about kissing her or moving things towards the bedroom, remember she showed up, so chances are more than likely she’s into it. If she seems nervous, call it out (gently or playfully) – it will break the tension. Ask her how she may be put at ease. Communication goes a long way here.
Don’t get discouraged
Not every attempt will result in a yes, and that’s ok! The best thing any of us can do is be honest with ourselves and the people around us. I know that I personally have friends that I find incredibly attractive, funny, interesting etc, but that doesn’t mean that I feel a sexual spark. It doesn’t have to be as personal as we make it when we’re turned down. Remember that it probably wasn’t easy for them to say no to you.
When it comes down to it, dating women isn’t really that different from dating men or any
gender. It may, however, require you to be a little more brave in your approach. When we make decisions from a place of fear, rarely do we obtain our desired results. Overthinking and over analyzing the situation will hinder your ability to take action. Freedom lies in being bold.