Mistress Manual: 10 Tips for being a female top
Men being more dominant over women in the bedroom tends to be par for the course along the entire spectrum of sexuality: vanilla, swinger, kink, group. Biologically men are programmed to take the lead and take what they want; it served as a valuable tool for passing along their genealogy in times when spreading your seed was the key to survival. Though times are different now, and humans have sex for pleasure and recreation far more than they do to procreate, the basic instincts for a man to top a woman in the bedroom remain.
We are evolving in our sexuality: kink, fetish, non-monogamy. One very common request/fantasy I have encountered and, being an alternative sex enthusiast, is female dominance. This can be as simple as a woman expressing her desires and taking the lead in bed by guiding her partner where she wants them, when she wants them. Or as complex as a full fledged BDSM scene, complete with sensory deprivation, bondage and imposed commands. If your partner is wanting to explore the world of power exchange and has expressed an interest in having you top them, there are a few simple tips you can use to get started down that path so that everyone feels comfortable and has a good time.
- Understand the power exchange dynamic – The key word in these situations is CONTROL. Who has it and who doesn’t. The desire to give up control and the desire to take control. If you are taking control, that means they are giving up control, and therefore you are responsible for that which you take from them.
- Discuss desires and limits – My kink is not your kink. And it would be a false conclusion to think that you will enjoy what I enjoy. Take the time to have an open and non-judgmental conversation about what they are okay with and what they are absolutely NOT okay with. Set soft and hard limits, and if you are planning a scene, it would be wise to either use a safe word or the tired and true “GREEN, YELLOW, RED” verbal cues to indicate comfort/pain levels.
- Try it on yourself first – if you are planning on blindfolding someone, experience what that’s like and how that can heighten your other senses (sound, touch, taste, etc.). If you are planning on using sensory implements such as ice, electricity, fire or impact tools, explore them on yourself first so you know what intensity level feels appropriate to start at. If you are going to tie someone up in a certain position, get in that position and hold it for a while to see how comfortable it will be. And when it comes to tying someone up, your rope choice is important! Japanese silk rope is far more enjoyable (and forgiving) than a length of harsh, scratchy burlap rope…unless they like that. And a YouTube video or three on proper Shibari techniques will go a LONG way for both of you!
- Be prepared – Know the environment in which you are playing, know the toys and tools you are using and have safety measures in place. This includes: safety shears, safe words, cleaning supplies (food play or wax play), and WATER. You’d be amazed how dehydrated a bottom can get during just a one hour scene.
- Fake it till you make it – You aren’t going to be at professional dominatrix level your first or second go at it. CONFIDENCE is key. Your confidence in what you are doing to your partner and expressing that you are gaining pleasure from it is 90% of their experience. If you aren’t well practiced in the details of the scene, strut around like you own the place and speak like you are queen of the world and you built your own damned pedestal! The skills will come later, but the attitude needs to be there from the very first moment.
- Don’t be nervous – There’s a first time for everything and even I, as an experienced top, get nervous when playing with new partners. Take it SLOW. This will give you time to hone your skills, assess the situation and it will drive your partner CRAZY because they won’t know when you are going to make your next move.
- Pay attention to EVERYTHING – Being a dominant means you are not only responsible for your experience, but you are now responsible for your partners. Use your colors to check in, but also pay attention to your partner’s body language. Every twitch, gasp and contraction indicates not only where they are physically, but where they are mentally. Even if they are crying or screaming, their body language will tell you if they are enjoying it (open body, arched back, exposed throat) or if they are going into a defensive space (fetal posture, chin down, shoulders slumped).
- Find limits before you test them – The first time you top is not the time to make break-throughs with your partner. The first few play sessions should be about finding limits. Once you are comfortable with your partner and feel like you can read them well, feel free to ramp it up and try to reach “sub space”.
- Remember it’s ALL MENTAL – You taking control physically translates to you taking control mentally. You are giving them a break from having to make decisions for a while because you will be doing it for them. D/S scenes can involve little to NO physical contact. Once someone has made that mental switch, you can provide a VERY intense experience by giving them mental tasks or guiding them through a cerebral journey.
- Aftercare is a thing! – If you take them to “sub space”, if the scene was intense or if something happened that was unplanned. NEVER panic. Calmly bring things to and end, and in a very caring and nurturing manner provide aftercare. This can be different for everyone: cuddling and fluffy blankets, a blunt and a sandwich, leaving them alone with their favorite music and a Gatorade. Tune into what they need after and provide it for them. After you take control, give it back.