My Sweet 16 of Swing
It can be intimidating branching out of your comfort zone to begin navigating a new and exciting world. A world of kink, exploration, sex, freedom, friendship and so much more. It’s normal to feel unsure of the rules and etiquette, and most of the articles out there feel outdated for today’s non-monogamous lifestyle. So, to help you along on this journey, I’ve put together this piece to get you started.
Consent is the golden rule of the lifestyle. Violate this rule and your time in the community may be somewhat brief. We find permission to be incredibly sexy! I was recently at a swinger party, and this charming couple informed my partner and I that they were interested in us early in the night and before introducing intoxicants. They continuously asked for consent with questions like, ” May I dance with you?”, “Is it ok to touch you?”, “Is it ok if I kiss you?”. These questions may seem a little redundant, but it was, in fact, a turn on! An experience later that night brings me to my second point.
2. Consent applies to all genders.
If you are a woman, this does not give you the green light. Women are notoriously the worst when it comes to consent. Do not touch, kiss or grope ANYONE of ANY gender without asking first.
3. You have the right to say no.
Never feel the need to explain yourself. No means no, and you get to decide the who, the when and how much. If you are the on the receiving side of a no, be gracious and respect that persons decision to decline your advances.
4. Get tested, and often.
Be sure to visit your Dr.’s office often for a full panel of testing. Today, we can treat most STD’s and STI’s without difficulty, and frequent testing (between three and six months is recommended) will keep both you and your community safe. If you receive a positive for an STD or STI, notify your recent partners and refrain from sex until treated. In the case that it is permanent, always inform all of your potential partners so they may make an educated decision on if they want to play with you and use protection.
5. Practice safe sex.
Always be sure to have condoms on hand for both real cocks and porous toys. Some couples rules about condoms may include use for not only penetration but oral as well. Some will even use dental dams, but I find this to be somewhat uncommon. If you are using lube, be sure to bring water or silicone based lube. Silicone lube cannot be used with silicone toys. Oil-based lube can degrade latex condoms in as little as 60 seconds. Though often a favorite, coconut oil is NOT safe to use with latex.
Brush your teeth. Wash your body. Keep baby wipes on hand. Apply deodorant. Trim your nails and be sure to clean underneath them. Groom your body hair. Wear clean clothes and bring a change of underwear.
7. Be open.
When it comes to sex, it can be easy to write people off quickly based on appearances alone. Engage in a conversation with them and you might find there’s more chemistry then you thought. Being open doesn’t just apply to people you see as unattractive. People tend to judge highly attractive people, making assumptions about their type or personality. The lifestyle doesn’t have to be just about having sex. It’s enjoyable to have friends that share your interests and passions. Be open to indulging your curiosity. You may find that you enjoy a variety of kink or other sexual activities.
8. Practice acceptance.
Communities these days are full of people identifying themselves in different ways. You will find people that are trans, non-binary, genderfluid, genderqueer, bisexual, sapiosexual, pansexual and more. Be accepting and kind to everyone, even if their identities are not in alignment with yours. I suggest educating yourself on the types of sexuality and gender and coming from a place of compassion, even if you don’t understand.
9. No Kink Shaming.
If you find yourself witness to something you are not aroused by, be sure not to shame the participants. A common phrase you’ll hear is “SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL.” As long as the activities are between consenting adults and follow the rules provided by the venue/host, keep your distaste to yourself.
10. Do not interrupt a scene.
BDSM has become more common in the non- monogamous world. Scenes between a Dom and a sub can be very intense or dangerous, and require an intimate level of concentration and communication. Subs will often find themselves in an altered state, riding the wave of euphoria provided by their Dom. Interrupting a scene can break the energy. Use your discretion to navigate if it is appropriate or not to ask questions about what you’re seeing or to ask if you may join. Most of the time, you should likely refrain.
11. Know your rules, but be open to change.
Be sure that as a couple or individual you set your boundaries ahead of time, but also be open to those changing. It’s not uncommon for people to go out with one intention, and to change their mind as they become more comfortable than when they arrived. It’s fantastic to explore the sexy opportunities that arise, but unless agreed upon prior that check-ins aren’t necessary, do check in with your partner (or even yourself) before acting. Continue to check in throughout the night to make sure that all activities are still enjoyable. You may find they are feeling insecure or unsure about what is happening OR you may discover that your partner has learned something new about what their desires. Checking in can help eliminate any potential emotional fallouts later.
12. Moderate the intoxicants.
Sloshed is not sexy for you or anyone else. Not only is it unattractive but it inhibits your ability to make rational decisions about what is ok for you. We don’t want you to wake up the next day with any regrets about what happened the night before. It’s ok to have a drink to relax or have a good time, but be conscious of how altered your mental state is. When using other forms of intoxicants that lower inhibitions be sure you are in a place that you feel safe and with people you trust.
13. Clean up your mess.
Do your host a favor and bring towels to put down under you if you know you’re a messy little kitty like me. Often there are ones provided, but always come prepared. Keep baby wipes in your travel bag. We don’t want to sit in your cum anymore than the next guy (unless maybe that’s his fetish.. ) Throw away your trash. Be aware of your drinks. If you spill them, clean them up. If you are at a private party, be a temple keeper and help to keep their space happy.
14. Be on time for dates.
I’ve been hearing from a lot of people lately that their play dates are not showing up on time or backing out last minute. Its a big turn off for most people to wait on you. If you know you’re going to be late, check in! The most significant offering we have is our time, so be sure to show them that you respect theirs. I have a two-date rule. If you are significantly late or cancel our first date, I will give you a second chance. Do it again, and there will not be a third.
15. There’s an etiquette for technology as well.
Never send a nude photo without asking for consent first. Random dick pics are a thing, and they are usually not welcome. If you are an active participant in facebook groups, always ask before sending a friend request. Introduce yourself to someone in a message or have interacted with that person beforehand. Poking is creepy. Don’t do it. Never screenshot or share anything outside of the group without consent. Don’t raid the archives of photos and go on a liking spree. It feels like stalking. Be encouraging but not thirsty.
16. Bring a travel bag.
When going to parties, you will want to bring a bag with you containing supplies for your evening. A good kit will include condoms, towels, baby wipes, toys, a change of underwear, a change of clothes, toy cleaner, toothpaste, a toothbrush, deodorant, lube, water and a snack. Do be cautious of what you leave unattended. Though we hope we can trust everyone, things can still go missing.
I hope that this has helped answer any questions you have so that you may have the most enjoyable and sexy experiences possible. Follow me @KinkandtheKitty to stay updated on all my writings and to let me know your thoughts.
Your Kinky Kitty, Chelsa Joy